21 month old – terrible tantrums and I need help!?
My son is 21 months old and has just recently started having terrible tantrums. I know the best thing i can do is ignore him, but this is not always p...
My son is 21 months old and has just recently started having terrible tantrums. I know the best thing i can do is ignore him, but this is not always possible. He bangs his head on the floor and does not quit. He will bang his head so hard that he makes himself cry and then will just keep hitting it more. He leaves terrible bruises on his forehead. After he gets what he wants he will quit but I just can’t watch him do this anymore. If we go to walmart, when i go to put him in the cart seat, he kicks his feet like crazy and screams bloody murder. Other people say just leave the store and let him no this isn’t ok to do, but i can’t leave everytime i go! i have to do my grocery shopping sometime! Also, when we go to restaurants he throws awful fits and throws all the food on the floor….. Am i going to have to stay home for the next 2 years? HELP!
no you dont need to stay home. but you DO need to let him know you mean business. which means that he needs to STOP getting his way. by allowing him what he is screaming for even once you are setting yourself back 10 steps!
when he starts becoming that violent, you pick him up and go put him in his bedroom on his bed….he can bang his little head all he wants on his pillow.
if he gets up and comes wandering where you are to make a fuss where you are. pick him up and back to his room. DO NOT SAY ANYTHING to him. do NOT acknowledge him while he is in such a tantrum.
when he finally quiets down you then can go in to his room and calmly talk to him. or let him calmly come out to you, and then engage him in conversation or play.
every time you lose your cool, or allow him to have his way you lose. he wins…and he’s gets MORE determined to make it work again and again.
as for the shopping, i would suggest you find a sitter so you can get your shopping done. this is your way of letting him know that if he cannot behave, he doesn’t get to go w/mommy.
as for getting him to settle down before it’s a huge temper tantrum…allow him to have choices.
instead of telling him what he "has" to do, allow him to pick the chore or task he wants to do first.
children that have this violent a reaction to things usually do so because they want some control over what is going on.
giving him choices allows him to have some sort of control over what is happening, but yet you get things done that you want.
so lets say you want to have lunch, and you want him to eat but he might not want what you are fixing. instead…give him 3 to 4 choices of lunch, let him pick the things he wants, and then allow him to help you prepare it. kids like to help out more than you think.
say, "wow this is such a big task for mommy…can you help me do this?"
same concept for other things. give him choices then make him feel like he’s a big helper to you! and praise him when he does a task or helps out.
as far as restaurants go, take a small bag of toys and coloring to keep him occupied. as far as going to walmart, just leave the stuff. i understand you have to do grocery shopping, but make sure hes not hungry or tired. when i take my niece and nephew, we go to the toy section, let them get a book and a toy to play with. and with his temper tantrums, just ignore him i know its hard, but that way he will learn. otherwise he will have temper tantrums just to get his way. do a reward chart.
You need to ignore him, but make sure he is safe. Because he is hurting himself you can put him in his bed, or somewhere else where it is soft. You could teach him appropriate ways to get his frustration out (jumping and smashing boxes works well). You say you can’t leave the store every time, BUT in order to teach your son how to behave you NEED to leave the store every time. The one time you give in makes him realize that sometimes mom gives in and he will continue to do it. He will get over it as soon as you stop giving into him and giving him what he wants. It will be hard at first, but definitely worth it eventually.
My son did similar things (he’s now 16). I took a wooden spoon in my purse and took him to the bathroom and spanked his bottom. Then if he did it again, I repeated this.
When he is out of control and hurting himself, you can get behind him, wrap your arms and legs around him, and sit down and hold him this way. Not in a way to hurt him, but to make him feel secure. You can talk soothingly to him and tell him when he calms down, you will let him go.
When he’s not acting this way, talk with him about the behavior. Ask him what he can do next time so that he doesn’t behave this way. Help him brainstorm ways to show he is upset without having fits.
At the teacher supply stores, they have individual incentive charts. Put one on the fridge and buy some incentive stickers. Tell him before you go out that if he is good, he will earn stickers for his chart. When he fills it up, he can get some sort of pre-determined reward. When arriving at the store or restaurant, remind him of the chart. Tell him what you expect of him. Then every 10-15 minutes that he is good, say,"Your are behaving so well. You have earned one sticker." Let them add up fast at first. Then as he begins to improve, let the time spans be longer between stickers.
Read books to him about behavior.
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=sr_nr_n_1?ie=UTF8&rs=2785&keywords=temper%20tantrums&bbn=170061&rnid=2785&rh=i%3Astripbooks%2Ck%3Atemper%20tantrums%2Cn%3A4%2Cn%3A2785%2Cn%3A170061
And I highly recommend this book for you.
http://www.amazon.com/New-Strong-Willed-Child-James-Dobson/dp/1414313632/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1211165891&sr=1-1
my son is 2 1/2 and still does this sometimes. He used to be alot more than now. I asked is Ped. what to do and she said comfort him it seemed to help alot. Although others will argue that giving in to a tantrum is not always the best choice but kids cant be abusing themselves either. Good Luck on this.
What does he do if you leave the room during a tantrum? Does this affect the tantrum? If it does, he is playing you and you must continue ignoring tantrums, do not EVER give in. I used to repeat to my son "This kind of behaviour will never ever get you what you want." Just calmly and quietly, reinforcing to him and to myself that tantrums would not get him what he wanted.
If you leave the room and he continues to hurt himself for more than a minute or so, he may have some developmental issues, and maybe you should take him to a pediatrician to get checked out.
For the shopping, do you have a friend or relative who could help with the situation? Make going shopping a priviledge. Take your helper with you, letting your son know that if he misbehaves he will be sent home and you will finish the shopping alone. The helper must take him home, and not do anything fun with him. My aunt did this, and my cousin had to be taken home three times but after that he behaved well at the shops. Don’t make shopping trips too long or go into too many shops.
As for restaurants, I would get a sitter and go out without him and have an enjoyable night. You deserve a break now and then.
Best of luck with it!
PS Beetlemilk also makes a good point, both my children have some degree of Sensory Disorder, there are certain things which normal children don’t even notice which can severely upset children with Sensory problems. Working them out and eliminating them goes a long way towards restoring peace!
This sounds a lot more like sensory integration issues than a temper tantrum. The SIB’s (self-injurious behaviors) are a tell tale sign of a hypoproprioceptive sense. Sensory issues peak at 2-3 yrs. My oldest was a headbanger, my middle we got him a great OT to organize his sensory system and he is regulated and doing great. My son was an extremely difficult case it took a good 3 months to get him organized on the right sensory diet. IF the tantrums are lasting more than 20 minutes this is a meltdown. I would contact early intervention and have him screened for sensory integration issues by an OT. IT is free. IF sensory integration is a new subject to you, while you are waiting to have him screened begin doing some of the therapies, interventions yourself. IT is a little time consuming, but if your son is a handful like my 33 month old you will find that doing the sensory therapy is much less time consuming than dealing with the tantrums. IT really does sound like this is not behavior, please don’t punish him, because it may not be his fault (this is really for other parents who I feel will suggest just to spank him and that is not fair). Until you get the sensory under control you will have difficulty finding childcare with his current behavior. They tell you we are not equipped to deal with your sons needs. But yes with intervention you will be able to go back to work, the therapists will go to his preschool or childcare center. My son started preschool this past year at 24 months its a typical school and he wasn’t kicked out. He started OT at 1 yr old. A book on sensory integration "The Out of Sync Child" by Carol Kranowicz. Also look for some products to help at these sights http://www.abilitations.com (catalog is nice, has many educational pieces about sensory and other needs
http://www.superduperinc.com
My daughter is going to be 21 months old next week and I have some of the same problems with her too. She doesn’t bang her head but she will clench her hands into fists and grunt at me. When she does that I mimic her and do it back to her. Eventually she starts laughing and stops. Sometimes she will also pull her hair. I always just try to make her laugh and tickle her and it usually stops the tantrums. I know that ignoring them doesn’t always work and it’s not always an option. I just try distract her. When I take her shopping to Walmart or the food store I always put her in the cart itself instead of the seat. She seems to like that better. Then I can give her some stuff to play with while she is sitting in there. Usually when I have to go food shopping I will take my husband along with me and we will push 2 carts around, 1 with her in it and 1 with the food. I don’t know if your son likes to color but that always works for me at restaurants. Just in case the restaurant doesn’t give the kids crayons with their menu, I always carry a pack of crayons and a coloring book and pad of paper in my diaper bag. Just try to make sure you have a variety of stuff to keep him occupied and switch it up once in awhile so it’s always new and he will be more interested. I wish you the best of luck and hope that he outgrows his tantrums soon.
hes reaching the terrible twos. my son is going on 23 mths, but he also has his tantrums. when he wants something, he throws things at me, and hits me, and jus goes nuts. the good thing is that he doesnt get tantrums outside. only inside the house. ignoring it might make it worse. y i say that, well, im a teacher, so wat we do when a child as a tantrum, we try to get the child to do something, something that will distract him. sometimes, they are tired, sometimes its hunger, and sometimes they jus want attention. try singing to him, and pointing to objects in the supermarket. telling a child not to do something will make them do it more. so, if u see a banana, you can for example explain to him the color, and the shape. things like that. if that doesnt work, try to focus his attention to something else. try to bring a musical toy and singing the songs with it. everytime i take my son to walmart, he wants to eat everything he sees in the food section, and then starts crying. lol. but i jus change my voice, and try pointing and saying things. he eventually gets distracted. with restaurants, try bringing toys or a coloring book. my son throws his paci when hes upset, and its usually when i least expect it. the best thing to do is bring books with you to shopping trips to see if it makes him happy. its a phase, and so with that said, you wont have to live in ur house ur whole life. you can try looking for a school. it will tire him out and keep him active. and maybe seeing how other children behave he might realise that tantrums arent the answer to everything. good luck and hang in there.