Can someone read my short story?
this really isn't a short story. it is just a moment in a character's life that I created can someone please offer suggestions for improvement or wh...
this really isn’t a short story.
it is just a moment in a character’s life that I created
can someone please offer suggestions for improvement or what you like about the story? thanks
to answer some questions
they are japanese
in the dream, an atomic bomb hit the city and radiation and heat went everywhere
i made up the hospitals and the names
takeshi feels bad about not being able to protect sakura’s brother and promises to find him and bring him back
THE PROMISE THAT I COULD NOT KEEP
Utashinai hospital 1845
Raindrops, the size of green peas, plopped on the hospital roof as I sat on a hospital cart, slowly being guided toward my room. I listened to the rhythmical beat of the raindrops splattering along the side of the cement wall and began to fall into a deep daze as the dust around the halls blinded my eyes. My scathed back pressed against the cart’s frame as the last of my energy left my body and the heaviness of my eyelids forced me into deep sleep.
Dream of Takeshi.
The mist of the dream formed heavy dust and smoke that blotched out the sun’s rays as the heat wave crackled my skin. Buildings were flattened and half were melted by columns of fire that rose through the haze. The wounded, indistinguishable by sex, crawled like mindless zombies as they called for water. There I was, among the rubble and wreckage, staring at my cousin’s contorted body. His right arm was snapped in half, and half his hair was singed. I wasn’t in any better state. I pressed my head against his chest to hear for a pulse. Bum-ba………… bum-ba……….. bum-ba. I carefully placed his fragile body into my arms and walked off. I made my way around town as many others hobbled, their skin like worn rags on their torn bodies. Many cried for help as parasites and maggots fed on their bodies, but their calls went unanswered. Soon many turned into corpses, while others were seared by the relentless eyes of the sun. An orchestra of fog greeted me as I made my way down the hillside, nearing the shelter. Exhausted, I lay my cousin down under a building and went to fetch water for the both of us. The old wooden pipe had a steady stream going as I desperately held it toward my mouth, swallowing every drop as if it was my last. As I placed the bucket under the pipe, the earth yawned and shook its heavy shoulders. I feel due to loss of balance, but my gaze was focused on my cousin. No, the shelter behind him. Each piece of the shelter was as fragile as a domino. If out of its place of order, it causes a reaction and rest fall with it. The earth continued to stretch its body as the first domino fell. I ran across the hillside toward where my cousin was but my legs felt like jelly and collapsed beneath me as the shelter consumed my cousin, burying him beneath the earth’s rugged skin.
“Daitaro!”
The waking was red and abrupt as the door swayed and in came Manami, a young adult nurse, and Sakura, Daitaro’s sister.
“Sakura-chan…..”
There was a thump in my chest like my heart ripping through my chest or a battering ram colliding with a temple gate. I cast a blank stare at the white sheets that I slept beneath and my eyes began to quiver. It wasn’t from the dust this time.
“Takeshi…..”
“Takeshi-kun, I was told you had suffered quite a severe wound. How do you feel?”
“Sakura-chan, I am sorry.”
Sakura became shocked by the response and for a split second, wrinkles formed across her forehead and eyes sagged.
“Why are you apologizing? Sheesh, you look like a mummy.”
She isn’t going to fool anyone with that smile. It was fake. I knew it, she knew it, but maybe it didn’t matter. Maybe it was there to soothe the pain.
“I…..I said it was a promise for a lifetime. I always said that, no matter what, I will keep going straight ahead, not taking back or bending my word. I will bring him back, believe it!”
There was silence in the room, as if we were suspended in space, a place where no sound ever existed. It was as if we were in a picture frame, unable to move or talk, only to be suspended in a realm, where seconds don’t pass and dawn never comes. The rain drops don’t look like rain drops anymore but more like crystallized diamonds suspended in mid-air. The intensity grew stronger with time as guilt ate at my heart and soul but lifted as a smile appeared on both Manami’s and Sakura’s face.
“Thank you, Takeshi.”
“We will see you later, Takeshi-kun. Make a steady recovery.”
Utashinai hospital 7:30 p.m.
The door swayed open again as a person walks into the room.
“Good evening, Takeshi-kun.”
“Ojiisan!”
“Takeshi, I have come to tell you something important.”
I gave him a scrutinizing gaze before I nodded for him to continue.
“Just…..forget about Daitaro.”
“What? Why should I?”
“Daitaro is probably already dead among the ruins of that flame-engulfed city and his body already one with the earth. No matter how much you try, he won’t come back and all you will be left with is your own helplessness and regret. If you d
part of the story was cut off
i don’t know why…..
It’s quite good. Actually, it is better than that, especially the first half.
The are few slight grammatical errors, but they are rather trivial errors. For example, you have no comma joining two independent clauses in a few cases.
However, there is some very good modifying phrase. The descriptive language is placed well structurally, using absolute phrases and participle phrases. Absolute phrases are a great way to write descriptively, and it is good you use them in your creative writing.
I particularly like this absolute phrase:
their skin like worn rags on their torn bodies
And this is another great sentence:
Argh, I can’t find it. It was the sentence where you said ‘calling for water.’
I’d be interested to know how you came to write these phrases, punctuated correctly. Are you studying English, or do you read a lot of books?
Email me. I can give you some slight changes if you like too.
For example, The earth continued to stretch its body as the first domino fell. I ran across the hillside toward where my cousin WAS
I would change ‘was’ to ‘lay.’
Additionally, I may personally change the first sentence as it is a dangling modifier. Otherwise, you should omit the comma between ‘cart’ and ‘slowly.’
Here is an alternative way to write the sentence:
"As I sat on a hospital cart that was being slowly guided toward my room, raindrops, the size of green peas, plopped on the hospital roof."
I look forward to hearing from you. My email address is on my profile page.
I don’t expect a lot from short stories posted on yahoo answers; I’ve read horrible stories that induces migraine… but this isn’t one of those.
First, I have to give you credit for your descriptive prowess. "Raindrops, the size of green peas" was a draw-in for me because at once, I realized here is somebody who will describe a story to me and not tell it like a news brief. It sounded authentic as well. You used simple words which did not detract from your story. Word-appropriate, is another way to describe it. I’ve read so many stories that tries to use long, heavy words which weren’t really needed in the story. The use of familiar Japanese names also helped establish a good visual of the environment.
Now, how to improve? Your dialogue is good, but it gets confusing who is actually talking. I used to be afraid of putting "he said, I said" in my stories as well, but I realized they’re really very unobtrusive. Just don’t pepper it with too much. You’re very good with description already, you can use that to put more action in between dialogues as well. Because if your dialogues come in one after the other, the story will soon read like a script.
But all in all, let me say, with all honesty, you are a good writer.