


first chapter of my book. please read?
Intro It was time. The year was 1737, it was America’s turn. Their turn to elect and decide. There were only two choices, but if the population vot...
Intro
It was time. The year was 1737, it was America’s turn. Their turn to elect and decide. There were only two choices, but if the population voted inadequately, America would start spiraling into devastation. Our country would crumble; greedy, rich men would be the worst dictators the world has seen. Most Americans would be scared. The nation would be classified into two very drastic categories. To us, in the present, it would seem very hard to live a hard life like this. But for the Americans now, after the horrible decision, it seems as if this is the life, like you can’t get any better than this. And our world will become very bleak. And unfortunately, on the day of May 2, America voted poorly.
Chapter One
I opened my sleepy eyes and stared up at my plain gray ceiling, of my plain grey box house. Groggily, I turned to my old alarm clock which was now reading 4:37.
Oh crud, I thought thinking about my bosses infuriated red face. I slept in almost thirty minutes! I had to hurry and get ready or who knows the consequence. I hurried and put on my plain work uniform as I did every day for three years. On the bright side, I could easily get ready in less than five minutes.
Over half of all people inhabiting America live the same exact life as me. Same grey box house. As well as the same job as working for our ‘master’. Our greedy king, Charles, has issued that all humans earning fewer than twenty thousand dollars when he first started ruling, must live in these poorly built houses and serve to the rich. But if you were exceeding that twenty thousand, the king provided money to you so you may live the life of luxury. He chose this, because in his exact words, the poor are dirty scum that knows absolutely nothing. And that one sentence, compared to what other ghastly words slip out of his mouth, makes him sound like a charming person.
After pulling on my mandatory grey jacket, I walked down my bumpy cement steps and walked to the side of my box to retrieve my old bike. As I was pedaling down the gravel road, I noticed my King Charles sticker plastered on my handlebars was peeling. I ripped it off and threw it to my side. I kept peddling and saw most of the bikes were out of the driveway in my neighborhood.
I don’t have many friends, not including my master. Most masters were quite harsh to their employees. Once the non-wealthy turned eighteen, they were immediately assigned their ‘master’. Jonathon, my boss, and his wife Rachel were actually really nice people.
I reached my masters house which was a huge two story building. I parked my bike inside the open garage which also housed two fairly new cars. Walking up their smooth steps, I slipped out my rusty key unlocking the door to their family room. I found my master, Jonathon, resting his feet on the leather ottoman placed in the center of the open room. He looked up and muttered something under his breath as he got up to greet me.
I spoke before I let him. “I know I’m late, but I can explain.” I droned on about how my tire popped and had to get it fixed and so on. He totally bought it and instructed me to go to the local store, as he was handing me what seemed to be a grocery list.
For the second time that day I rode my bike along the roads. I reached the store where the ‘dirty scums’ shop. I walked in and saw many faces wearing the same plain jacket on, all probably shopping for their masters, considering this shop was in the middle of the city. A guy, probably not caring, asked me if I needed help with my shopping. I told him no, I had been here almost every day and knew this store inside and out. I pulled out a cart and wheeled it to the small produce section looking for a fresh pineapple, Jonathon’s favorite. I finally decided on a quite large one, and returned to the list. The next item was a can of soup. I pushed my cart to the soup and noodle aisle. I got a headache from all of the pictures of our king plastered on every can and box. I picked out one endorsed by the king that was beef and vegetable.
After picking out all the food, I headed toward the checkout line. I grabbed my bags and headed to find my bike among the thousands. I noticed on my ride home that my bike was the only one in the lot, that didn’t have a King Charles sticker placed on it. All of these bone-headed people thought that the king was the best person in the world. They all looked up to him, but don’t you see where we are right now? With plain grey boxes as houses. I sighed knowing no one would ever change their thoughts about the ‘marvelous’ king.
I parked my bike once again in the garage and headed back into the house. Noticing that Jonathon or his wife Rachel wasn’t in the spacious room, I set the groceries on the counter and started the daily chores.
After a long day working, I pulled up to my house at around nine o’clock. As I walked in, I hung my coat up, sat down and turned on the small television Jonathon had given me. The face of a popul
I would suggest rewording "Our country would crumble; greedy, rich men would be the worst dictators the world has seen." and "To us, in the present, it would seem very hard to live a hard life like this. But for the Americans now, after the horrible decision, it seems as if this is the life, like you can’t get any better than this. And our world will become very bleak."
I thought it was a little odd how you sounded distant as a narrator with "America’s turn. Their turn" initially, but went on to a more personal tone with "Our country". It may work better if you stuck with the former. I think it’d lend more gravity and impending dread to your intro.
This I disagree with ’cause it sounds too casual, like it belongs with your first chapter: "like you can’t get any better than this".
This line, "And unfortunately, on the day of May 2, America voted poorly." would have been a good end to your intro except that you seemed to have let the cat out of the bag too early with "after the horrible decision" right before that.
A few other minor suggestions:
- use "had" in "Our greedy king, Charles, has issued".
- "serve the rich" instead of "serve to the rich".
- "wearing a familiar jacket" or "donned in jackets all too familiar to me" instead of "wearing the same plain jacket on".
- "probably trained to do so" instead of "probably not caring".
- "that neither Jonathan nor his wife were in the room" instead of "that Jonathon or his wife Rachel wasn’t in the spacious room".
I like the little details that you threw in to show the king’s influence and control, but I wish there were less of "I did this. I did that. Then I got here to do this." For example: "After a long day working, I pulled up to my house at around nine o’clock. As I walked in, I hung my coat up, sat down and turned on the small television Jonathon had given me.".
Do you think there’s a way you can get around that? Perhaps by interspacing more descriptions of your surroundings or your thoughts?
If I were you, I wouldn’t let certain words reappear too closely together as it would seem repetitive and overused, like when you used "probably" in two consecutive sentences. Consider using other terms to replace the numerous times "walked" was used.
Hmm, you may want to have less sentences starting with "I" as well. A little more of this or some variation would be good: "Walking up their smooth steps".
Your story’s been pretty interesting so far. It left me wanting to know more.
Maybe you can look into getting a beta reader. As for where to start looking, people usually do so on writing forums, LJ, or even Fanfiction.net. For the last, it may be a bit harder to get a beta reader volunteer for you than writers who do fanfic, of course. :-/
Well that was quite a tale. You should put this on the site worthy of publishing
http://www.worthyofpublishing.com/
wow you are very good!!!!!!!! though i do wish you would make it more vivid and describe it better,but other then that i really loved it!!!!
Good luck with your book!!!!!!!!!!
Oh my god! I had this exact same idea!
But don’t worry, I’m not going to use it.
I really liked this! Make it a bit more colorful, with slightly more descriptions about color and detail. It kind of has a gray cloud cast over this – but you might want it to have that.
But well written! Good job!
based on your your intro I think you should be a poet. I really like the style you wrote the intro in.