Freedom of choice (within boundaries) for toddlers?
My son is two, and I don't believe that I have the right to control every, single little thing he does. For instance, when we go shopping he knows he'...
My son is two, and I don’t believe that I have the right to control every, single little thing he does. For instance, when we go shopping he knows he’s allowed one treat at the end of the trip IF he was a good boy and he gets to choose what he wants. He also chooses to sit in the cart itself, as opposed to the seat. I also let him choose his breakfast food. He almost invariably chooses cereal or toast and fruit (he knows he’s not allowed things like candy for breakfast) These, to me, are innocent enough choices and seem healthy? How else is he supposed to grow up into a functional human being able to make decisions? There are rules, of course, but he knows them and for the most part he’ll follow them… there are days when he doesn’t and he’s punished if he doesn’t listen or when he starts to throw tantrums (timeouts, toys taken away, etc.)
Today, my mother in law came grocery shopping with us, and as always my son chose to sit in the cart. My MIL FORCED him in the cart seat and my son immediately started crying and throwing a loud tantrum. I told him to calm down, wiped away his tears and put him in the cart. I told her he doesn’t like to sit in the seat and wants to sit in the cart. She replied, that he doesn’t get to have choices (or a will if you like) and that he will do what she says and I give in to him too easily. She basically said children don’t get to make their own decisions.
I don’t know if maybe I’m doing something wrong? Do you give your toddlers a choice in certain matters? Or is it supposed to be all your decisions all the time?
I should probably not take parenting advice from my MIL – she’s extremely controlling and still did things like buy my husband’s clothes AFTER we were married… that is until I put a stop to it.
As a mom of 3 (grown up sons) and an early childhood educator, I applaud your reasonable and well thought through attitude to parenting. Choice making is the first step towards responsibility!
Your MIL (who is probably closer to my age than yours, I am 51) shows the classical "old school’ attitude from the "father knows best" time. I suggest that you learn to pick your battles carefully since you cannot win them all.
In fact, one of the ways we teach parents to prevent tantrums in toddlers is to give then a sense of control, as in "do you want to wear your blue socks or red socks" or even do you want to climb into your car seat or do you want mommy to help you get in it?" – but not "do you want to wear socks" or "do you want to sit in the car seat" since those things are non-negotiable (like your rule of no candy for breakfast).
I do not believe you’d be able to change such ingrained positions as you MIL has. It is futile. So try to relax and ignore, and show your son that it is OK to follow even silly demands for the sake of peace in the family and to show respect for the older person. And for a short time of your visit with MIL or shopping trip. And then you are back on your own turf and can laugh about it.
Lighten up and you will save yourself and your son lots of grief.
But I am totally in support of your position.
I think your attitude toward your child is remarkably sane and reasonable. If you want to have an independent and capable child you have to give them the right to make choices, even a two year old can make a few decisions for themselves. Keep up the good work.
Ugh what is with mother in laws? I know how you feel. Anyway you are totally right to give your son choices. I am the lead teacher in a two year old classroom at a daycare, and decision making is very important. The earlier and more often a child is given the chance to make their own decision (no matter how small) the better off they will be. Children who never have choices don’t know what to do when they have to make a choice. You aren’t spoiling him or making him too strong willed you are building his self esteem by showing him you care about his opinion and that his feelings/likes/dislikes are important to you! It sounds to me like you are a great mom!! Ignore your controlling mother in law!
I think that ur definitely doing the right thing with ur son. i think the best place to be is somewhere in the middle, and i think that’s where u are. u don’t let him have whatever he wants but u still let him make some decisions for himself. dont doubt urself just because somebody else has a different idea of how one should raise a child. i give u props for caring so much about ur child’s wellbeing tho.
I think you are perfectly fine.. that’s just ridiculous to make a toddler get so upset over something that seriously doesn’t matter and he isn’t hurting anything by doing it.. my son isn’t big enough to make choices yet but when he is I will let him.. why wouldn’t I really? Instead you should tell your MIL if she likes getting babies upset over absolutely nothing then she is heartless and that she should really choose her battles instead of making everything a battle..
You’re right to not allow anyone else’s advice to trump your own. We also give our 2-year-old choices when possible (what to eat, which shoes to wear, whether to sit in a cart or walk) and I think it helps develop their decision-making skills in a constrained fashion. I figure 2-year-olds have control over so little in their lives – the least we can do is let them decide whether to put on socks before or after pants!
I am sorry that your MIL is like this, I can relate! What you have to keep in mind though is that she came from a different generation where the motto was "children are to be seen and not heard"- you aren’t going to be able to change her. You just have to learn to live with her.
What you are doing with your son sounds exactly like what I do with my daughter, when we go shopping I ask her where she wants to sit, she chooses in back and I let her unless she stands up, which she learned really quick. I also let her pick out the fruit that she wants and the cereal, things like that.
What you are doing with your son, and I am doing with my daughter is teaching them how to make their own choices and to be independent. I really feel that children need to learn how to make choices and how to make the RIGHT choices as early as possible. This is the first step towards responsibility. It sounds like your dear old mother in law is STILL trying to make her child’s choices for him, even at the age of adulthood.
If I were you, I would listen to your mother in law’s advice, let her know that you appreciate her help and guidance, but not necessarily act on it. Me and my husband have had many of fights because of this, remember that is his mother. I remember one time I had my daughter’s bangs cut and she went and cut them again herself without even asking me because she didn’t like them. We still argue to this day because last year when my daughter had a cough and was congested she bought her some Tylenol Cold and Sinus for children and it was the year that it was taken off the shelves because it was causing deaths in children under 5 (I think that was the age). I asked her pediatrician if I should give it to her and he said that "No the risks outweigh the benefits", well my daughter ended up with pneumonia which she swears wouldn’t of happened if I gave her the medicine that SHE bought. She will be in your life forever so you just have to learn how to live with her the best that you can. Just think, you have a son so you will be someone’s mother in law someday. Pretty much all the women I know who are wives and mothers have MIL horror stories, I think deep down inside every mother feels that the woman their son’s marry aren’t good enough for their baby boy. I may be wrong though, but in my case I think that is what my MIL thinks.
I think you are taking a good approach to parenting, and giving him choices as opposed to forcing them to do things (especially in things as Innocent as sitting in the cart part of the shopping cart) are easy tactics to avoid tantrums and ultimately make a toddler feel that he is an individual). Things like these are harmless, and no, I don’t think you are doing anything wrong. Your mother-in-law has her own way of parenting, and you have yours and I would just let that be known. I would politely let her know that you appreciate that she means well, but that your strategies for parenting seem to be working (and working well) with your toddler, and you feel that he can have a choice in simple/harmless things as these. She may not agree, which is ultimately fine she doesn’t have to. Continue to do things the way that you are, and just let her know that he will have a choice in the matter when it comes to these types of things, and that is that. I know she is your mother-in-law and i’m not telling you to just write her off, but let her know that you are the parent and you feel that these strategies work with your son. I think your doing great. I have a 15 month old, and although she doesn’t really try to make her own choice yet, I feel that once she decides to that I will humor her in things like these, because yes, I do feel it helps mold who she is.
Sounds like you’re doing a good job to me with your son, why change things? Tell your Mother-in-law you appreciate her advice but you are happy with the way things are (hopefully without her taking a huff!). At the end of the day, he’s your son, YOU know best and have a nice routine going. Don’t let her dictate to you.
I think you are right and your mother in law is dead wrong.
I give my daughter similar choices, and I find she is very obidient in the matters, where choices are not an option. If children are allowed some freedom, whenever that is safely possible, they have much less trouble accepting the limits that are necessary. How are the children supposed to grow up into decision making adults, if they never get to practice decision making, anyways?